Today we wrote in the vein of Steve Braunias' column 'The Secret Diary of...' and chose a politician to make fun of - going through each day with a short diary entry. This formulaic approach is a great way to put yourself in someone else's shoes and have some fun with creative writing.
THE SECRET DIARY OF... JACKIE A
Monday: 53 reports down and four hours in the House. Definitely not giving any money to those wankers from the Southern DHB
Tuesday: Must have coffee with Judith sometime. We need a strategy for livening things up in the House - it's soo boring
Wednesday: I thought I was getting a quiet meal out with Clark but the restaurant insisted on social distancing us, and everybody else - such a nuisance
Thursday: I should have put my hand up for Government Whip instead of PM. I'd like to give those National boys a good whipping, they're so noisy in class, in Parliament
Friday: Still got heaps of fans, I think I nearly outrank Jodie Whittaker. Three schools to visit. At least small children ask sensible questions - the ones I know the answer to
Saturday: Just another working day. 45 reports read, three to go. The one on the Dunedin waterfront Cockleshell is a bit bizarre. Where do they think they are living? Wellington? Fat wallets down there, they can fund it themselves
Sunday: Neve's got the runs again, I wonder what Clark's been feeding her. Must go for a run myself later - good thing I spotted that foldaway treadmill on the infomercials, no need to go out with actual people
Monday: Damn I looked good on that Facebook page! Better than the original clip when I had to be so straight-faced. But the money! I must get the SIS to find out who ripped off my video and make the lawyers sting them, or send the DPS to lean on them
- Kate Jenkins
THE SECRET DIARY OF... LEE
Monday: I parked on the 5 min outside Council. I wasn't expecting to be there long - Council meetings are pretty short these days - before I leave in disgust or get kicked out. Five hours later I got back to the car and headed for home. I had to turn the wipers on to get rid of the confetti - must have been a street party. No doubt the contractors forgot to clean up - just wait till tomorrow boyo.
Tuesday: I spent two hours looking for a park this morning. It's outrageous! There's no parks in this town. Even my Council park ws taken by a car that looks similar to my other car - some sort of sick joke no doubt.
Wednesday: I calmly explained to the parking staff that I was legally parked. They must have had sore ears to be covering them so often. Quite a few people were getting in the way, stepping in between us so I had to point lots so they knew who I was talking to.
Thursday: I sat in the mayoral chair. It felt warm and I wondered if it was heated - more Council waste - the list goes on. The chair felt good. It felt right. I imagined my subjects eyes looking at me devotedly, hanging on every word, staff jumping to do my bidding. I heard a noice and noticed he cleaner vacuuming around my legs. Where does the time go?
Friday: Finally got back to my car. It was covered in tickets. Must have blown off some other cars. I drove off with a bump. I heard someone cry out but I only saw a parking warden lying on the ground behind me - lazy bugger. I turned around and gave him an earful out the window but he didn't move. Must have been asleep on the job. Just wait till I get to work on Monday.
- P.S.
