Monday, 25 January 2021

The Secret Life of ...

Today we wrote in the vein of Steve Braunias' column 'The Secret Diary of...' and chose a politician to make fun of - going through each day with a short diary entry. This formulaic approach is a great way to put yourself in someone else's shoes and have some fun with creative writing.


Monday:  53 reports down and four hours in the House.  Definitely not giving any money to those wankers from the Southern DHB

Tuesday:  Must have coffee with Judith sometime.  We need a strategy for livening things up in the House - it's soo boring

Wednesday:  I thought I was getting a quiet meal out with Clark but the restaurant insisted on social distancing us, and everybody else - such a nuisance

Thursday:  I should have put my hand up for Government Whip instead of PM.  I'd like to give those National boys a good whipping, they're so noisy in class, in Parliament

Friday:  Still got heaps of fans,  I think I nearly outrank Jodie Whittaker.     Three schools to visit.  At least small children ask sensible questions - the ones I know the answer to

Saturday:  Just another working day.  45 reports read, three to go.  The one on the Dunedin waterfront Cockleshell is a bit bizarre.  Where do they think they are living?  Wellington?      Fat wallets down there, they can fund it themselves

Sunday:  Neve's got the runs again, I wonder what Clark's been feeding her.  Must go for a run myself later - good thing I spotted that foldaway treadmill on the infomercials, no need to go out with actual people

Monday:  Damn I looked good on that Facebook page!  Better than the original clip when I had to be so straight-faced.  But the money!  I must get the SIS to find out who ripped off my video and make the lawyers sting them, or send the DPS to lean on them

- Kate Jenkins


Monday: I parked on the 5 min outside Council. I wasn't expecting to be there long - Council meetings are pretty short these days - before I leave in disgust or get kicked out. Five hours later I got back to the car and headed for home. I had to turn the wipers on to get rid of the confetti - must have been a street party. No doubt the contractors forgot to clean up - just wait till tomorrow boyo.

Tuesday: I spent two hours looking for a park this morning. It's outrageous! There's no parks in this town. Even my Council park ws taken by a car that looks similar to my other car - some sort of sick joke no doubt.

Wednesday: I calmly explained to the parking staff that I was legally parked. They must have had sore ears to be covering them so often. Quite a few people were getting in the way, stepping in between us so I had to point lots so they knew who I was talking to.

Thursday: I sat in the mayoral chair. It felt warm and I wondered if it was heated - more Council waste - the list goes on. The chair felt good. It felt right. I imagined my subjects eyes looking at me devotedly, hanging on every word, staff jumping to do my bidding. I heard a noice and noticed he cleaner vacuuming around my legs. Where does the time go?

Friday: Finally got back to my car. It was covered in tickets. Must have blown off some other cars. I drove off with a bump. I heard someone cry out but I only saw a parking warden lying on the ground behind me - lazy bugger. I turned around and gave him an earful out the window but he didn't move. Must have been asleep on the job. Just wait till I get to work on Monday.

- P.S.

Monday, 11 January 2021

New Year Resolutions

We all make resolutions and we all fail to keep them. So we decided to mix it up and write a poem that featured both real and imaginary resolutions, that way no-one will be able to hold us to account and it's a bit more fun!



This year I resolve to speak feline
So when my cat verbalises I will be able to cater to his every whim

I resolve to walk more
If my newly understood cat follows me I will be very happy

I resolve to go vegetarian
Self explanatory - good for the pocket, good for the world

I resolve to read every day - oops already broke that one

I resolve to learn a new handicraft - no this time I really do

I resolve to give up smoking
By the way I have a smoke in my hand while I am writing this

I resolve to stop making resolutions I can't keep.

- M.F.


This year will be different
I'm going to be healthy
I'll give up smoking, booze, coffee and sugar
I'll eat five servings of fruit a day
I'll get the house organised
I'll wash all the blankets
I'll dust every day
and mop the floor twice a week
I'll clean the oven
I'll organise my wardrobe by colour
and take the clothes that no longer fit me
to the op shop
I'll save money
Seven thousand to paint the house
Ten thousand for a trip to Ireland
Twelve hundred for new washing machine
and fifteen thousand for a rainy day
Oh, I see it's raining now
I'll just put my feet up
and do a bit of knitting
until it's a better time to start

- Helen


Exploring the possibilities of collecting antiques sometimes has it's problems.

Exploring the possibilities of being a contemporary artist searching for found objects doesn't always pay off.

Exploring the possibilities of being a poet makes me cringe and I dont like it. Yet it maybe the right path to take

Considering that I may be a billion miles away from where I should be, I'll take my chances with one of these, but only if it can draw in a serious fee!

- Haki S Davis


I resolve to never bitch
Or react to every itch
And every slight that I might hear
No matter how far or near.

I resolve to stand up tall
And not to crumble or to fall
When things go wrong, as they do
I will not cry "boo hoo".

I resolve to put away 
All the things with which I play
Creatively I put things down
Never again to be found.

I resolve to ignore
The dribble from a certain jaw
As he declares the vote's a farce
I will imagine him on his arse.

I resolve to not resolve
As annually they do revolve
And come back with sharp teeth to bite
New Year's resolutions - "yeah, right".

- Christine Philp

Last year I nearly got through my New Year Resolutions
I nearly watched a full movie series
I had watched 5 of them but over and over again
Kept away from 2 of the other movies from the series
I had read 5 books from the same series
kept away from 2 of the other books from the series
My New Year Resolutions for This Year
I Hope to finish off what I started Last Year
To Read 2 books from the same series
To Watch 2 movies that are from the same movie series
Cause my biggest fear is reading and watching scary scenes
But once I watch and read the Movies and Books
My New Year Resolutions will be complete 
And My Fear of watching and reading scary scenes will be gone
By Julia Godfrey

Today we feature one of our regular writers who has diligently written up the poems she has developed at the Artsenta Writer's Group ove...